Author Topic: Being Bane: A Guide to Cracking Small Men  (Read 271 times)

Solo

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Being Bane: A Guide to Cracking Small Men
« on: June 15, 2017, 09:07:57 PM »
By Talic, Eldariel, and Solo, who put the whole thing in motion in the first place. Also thanks to Midnight_V and Zendu for their Barbarian information compilation.

 
So when can we expect ‘Beating Up Batman: Eldariel’s Guide to Barbarians’?
-Solo
 
We must pull all the core/non-core materials out that support the mage-killing image that barbarians have justly and obviously earned.
-Talic
 
Mrifk! What manner of slut composed this fine work of literature?
-Gringr the Ecordian
 
Hulk Smash!
-Bruce Banner
 
 
 
1. Introduction to Barbarism
 
When I was a fighting-man, the kettle-drums they beat,
The people scattered gold-dust before my horses feet;
But now I am a great king, the people hound my track
With poison in my wine-cup, and daggers at my back.
 
What do I know of cultured ways, the gilt, the craft and the lie?
I, who was born in a naked land and bred in the open sky.
The subtle tongue, the sophist guile, they fail when the broadswords sing;
Rush in and die, dogs - I was a man before I was a king.

-Conan the Cimmerian
 
 
Barbarian, you call me? Uncivilized? Fools; you think I'm but an ignorant savage, and I suppose you’ve learned so much that it must be so. But still I cannot see that the savage one is me when there is so much that you don’t know.
 
Consider! Is not the way of the savage the most true to us all? Who among you hasn't known rage at injustice? Who among you can dispute that order lasts only as long as the strength behind it? We, knave, are the strength.
 
Barbarism is the natural state of mankind. Civilization is unnatural; it is a whim of circumstance; it is a sham. All attempts to control the world are doomed to failure, for the civilized man is a very part of the same world that he seeks to control.
 
Barbarism ultimately triumphs over civilization, for only barbarism is eternal and enduring. Civilization is but a luxury that can only be afforded under certain conditions. When the march of civilization halts for a breath, it is invariably destroyed by the Barbarian.
 
So cast off the shackles of your oppression by your laws and lords – what makes them better men than you? Who gave them the right to determine your fate? Renounce the coddling comforts you grew up in and be strong like your forefathers. Reject the two faced nature of civilized life, the complexities, the lies – embrace straightforwardness and honest living. Return to the natural state of being in which you can find peace. Revert to nature, from whence you came.
 
 
As a Barbarian, you get:
 
Full BAB
d12 HD
Good fortitude save
4 skill points/level
 
-Illiteracy: Barbarians are thought so dumb that it’s a class feature! Do not underestimate the Barbarian though, for verily, every Barbarian knows how to fight and those Fighter-levels not only teach him literacy, but the secrets of wearing so much steel on you you can barely move!
 
-Rage: WAAAGH!!! The reason you should never ever make a Barbarian angry.
 
-Fast Movement: Because wildmen are faster than the beer bellied! Awesome already just because you walk faster than Elves, so you can laugh at them even in their one supposed strength. Of course, the true value of this ability is forgetting fast movement and instead learning the cat-like lightning strikes at the end of your charges.
 
-Uncanny Dodge: Becomes Improved Uncanny Dodge later. Let’s you stick it to the Rogues (and Monks). Truly, you can do almost anything without risking flat foots. Makes you always ready!
 
-Trapsense: Sense traps by walking into them, and then shrugging off the damage. This has great value as an ability to lose!
 
-Damage Reduction: Useful if you ever need to crash a party through the window. Not enough to actually matter, ever (and Adamantine Full-Plate provides the same, and doesn’t stack so bleh). However, instead of needling yourself until your skin hardens, you can learn to charge at things even better. Or some such. So this has value as something to get rid of.
 
-Indomitable Will: Mind of hate does not submit! Works nicely with Steadfast Determination. This ensures that you have two good saves instead of just one, preventing you from being a wizard’s mind controlled buttmonkey. Comes late though, but helps all the same. Teach those weakass staff wavers that it takes more than cute words and magic to get to your...tent.
 
 
2. Building a Barbarian
 
Arus saw a tall powerfully built youth, naked but for a loin-cloth, and sandals strapped high about his ankles. His skin was burned brown as by the suns of the wastelands and Arus glanced nervously at his broad shoulders, massive chest and heavy arms. From under a mop of unruly black hair smoldered a pair of dangerous blue eyes. A long sword hung in a leather scabbard at his girdle.
- Stories of Conan the Cimmerian, The God in the Bowl
 
Military barracks, fighter academies, and martial temples are the factories that produce warriors for the civilized man. They claim that strict discipline is the only way to turn out dedicated fighting men, that only in order can they be forged. Barbarians who are said to lack the sense of control, discipline, and order, cannot hope to compete.
 
It is strange that we barbarians are considered at odds with order. Chaos is nature's order! The great warriors of old did not become the best through study, or focus, or lessons in a training room. No, true steel comes not from practice but from life, and life alone is a test great enough for the mettle of a true warrior! It is in chaos that the greatest are forged, not in the apostate of 'order', that illusion of control.
 
A Barbarian is strong because rejects the trappings of civilization and order, choosing instead to exist as one with the harshness of nature and be shaped by her rough caresses. A man may travel far and wide, to the ends of the earth, the depths of the sea, and lands beyond the skies, but he will never find a braver, stronger, or tougher man than he who remains uncorrupted by the comforts of civilization.
 
He is as tranquil as the forest, but on fire within; as swift as the coursing river, with the force of a great typhoon; with all the strength of a raging fire, and as mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Truly, only Barbarians have the right to call themselves warriors.
 
 
Attributes

If it bleeds, we can kill it.
-Conan the Commando

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Races

'Oomans are pink and soft, not green and tough like da Boyz. They'z all the same size, too - No big'uns or little'uns, so they'z always arguing about who's in charge, 'cos there's no way of telling 'cept for badges an' ooniforms and fings. Anuvver fing - when they do sumfink, they try to make it look like somfink else to confuse everybody. When one of 'em wants to lord it over the uvvers, 'e says "I'm very speshul so'z you gotta worship me", or "I know summink wot you lot don't know, so yer better lissen good". Da funny fing is, 'arf of 'em believe it and da over 'arf don't, so 'e 'as to hit 'em all anyway or run fer it. Wot a lot of mukkin' about if yer asks me. An' while they'z all arguin' wiv each other over who's da Boss, da Orks can sneak up an' clobber da lot.”
- Snotgrub's view of humanity and its failings

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Skills
 
"Beat your thoughts to the mould of your will."
-Leman Russ

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Feats

Stomp ‘em! Stomp ‘til there is nuthin’ left!
-Battlecry of the Killcrushas

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Class Features Variants

For what fortress, what city, in the wide extent of the Roman empire, can hope to exist, secure and impregnable, if it is our pleasure that it should be erased from the earth?
-Atilla the Hun

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Alternative Class Features

He is truly wise
who’s traveled far
and knows the ways of the world.
He who has traveled
Can tell what spirit
governs the men he meets.

-Hávámal, The Sayings Of Odin

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Combinations
So few tricks as to how to combine the different options to a devastating/useful effect. Notation (F) = Feat, (S) = skill trick, (A) = alternative class feature:
-Power Attack (F) + Shock Trooper (F) + Spirit Lion Totem Pounce (A) + Leap Attack (F) + Knockback (F)/Awesome Charge (A)/Knock-Down (F) (+ Twisted Charge (S)/Street Fighter (A) + Nimble Charge (S)): Charge at 1+ opponents. Reduce 1+ opponents to smoldering remains lying within half a dozen feat from you on the ground. Add Cleaving Charge (A) to do it at multiple places in a turn!
-Intimidating Rage (F) + Imperious Command (F) + Immediate Rage (F)/Ferocity (A) + Never Outnumbered (S): Barbarian Celerity! Show your true face as an immediate action, making everyone within 30’ cower and bask in your glory!
-Combat Reflexes (F) + Martial Stance: Thicket of Blades (F) + Robilar’s Gambit (F) + Mage Slayer (F) + Stand Still (F)/Improved Trip (F): Make opponent do nothing! Whatever they do, they provoke and if they try to move, you can stop them and if they do anything else, you can hit them hard. Lockdown: Making life miserable for everyone but you since 2006!
-Track (F) + Trapkiller (A): Make your Survival do everything! Traps? Survival. Tracking? Survival. Wilderness movement? Survival. Food? Survival. Whatever else? Roll Survival just in case. It probably works.
-Weapon Finesse (F) + Shadowblade (F) + Exotic Weapon Proficiency: Spiked Chain (F) + Frantic Rage (F)/Ferocity (A) + Ape-Totem Barbarian (A): Whoever said Kobolds don’t make for good Barbarians? Suddenly you do everything based on Dex and get notable bonuses in the stat from your race and class while being able to dump Str!
-Mountain Rage (A) + Wolf Berserker (F) + Improved Trip (F): Hurl anything up to Huge size around like they were paper and hit them again for their troubles!
« Last Edit: June 28, 2017, 09:49:55 PM by Solo »

I am the Black Mage! I cast the spells that makes the peoples fall down!

Solo

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Re: Being Bane: A Guide to Cracking Small Men
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2017, 09:08:04 PM »
Prestige Classes
 
HEY! YOU!
 
HEY, do you wanna feel COMPLETELY OUTRAGEOUS? Try PRESTIGE CLASSES! PRESTIGE CLASSES are for BARBARIANS who need GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF CLASS FEATURES! With all new features like DEATHLESS FRENZY! DEATHLESS FRENZY, it’s like adding RAGE to A STORM OF VENGEANCE. Sound the alarm cause you’re gonna be UNCOMFORTABLY AWESOME!
 
You’ll feel like a FLESH GOLEM made out of BICEPS! It’ll give you so much energy, energy, ENERGY just raging all the time. Power raging, power lifting, power sleeping, power dating, power eating, power laughing, power looting! Use PRESTIGE CLASSES to make yourself ABNORMALLY POWERFUL! You’ll have SO MANY HIT POINTS! 400 HIT POINTS!
 
Try PRESTIGE CLASSES TODAY! The COOL ABILITIES will make you WIN at EVERYTHING FOREVER!!! You’ll win at running, sports, weddings, arson, irony, and other things YOU AREN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO WIN AT!!!
 
WAAAGH!!!
 
 
Core

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Completes, Races & PHBII

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Racial Specials

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Other Sources

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Possessions
 

Weapons:

The secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle. You must learn its discipline. For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. Only the sword is worthy.
-Anon


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Armors:
 
Look to your battle-gear and it will protect you
We guard it with our lives
Your armour is your Soul, and your Soul’s dedication its armour
The soul of a warrior is the shield of humanity
Honour the craft of death
Only the Emperor is higher in our devotion
Honour the battle-gear of the Dead
We ask only to serve
-Warrior's Catechism of Worship


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Items
 
And besides...the little girl will be missing her doll. We should return it to her.
-Shan Yu


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Example Builds


The Core Only Barbarian
 
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The Core Only Barbarian Dragon Disciple
 
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The Horizonwalker Barbarian
 
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The Control Barbarian
 
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The Kung Fu Panda
 
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Fistbear Bearfist
 
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The Barbarian With Anger Issues
 
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The WAAAGH Lord
 
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Conan: The current Conan build is a Barbarian 2/ Fighter 2/ Cleric of Crom 1 (Time and War domains) / Rogue 15
 
 
3. Playing the Barbarian
 
 
Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!
-Conan the Cimmerian

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4. Enemies and Rivals
 
 
The greatest pleasure in life is to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.
-Conan the Cimmerian
 
Don’t you mean to say: The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters?
-Genghis Khan
 
… I’ll be back.
-Conan the Terminator
 
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5. Beating up Batman
 
 
To those naysayers who are so pessimistic about beating wizards, if they don’t have the guts to try, I call them girlie men!
-Conan the Republican
 
It is not enough that I should succeed – all others must fail!
-Genghis Khan
 
Dammit Khan, stop taking all the good lines!
-Conan the Chronically Upstaged
 
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« Last Edit: June 28, 2017, 09:51:08 PM by Solo »

I am the Black Mage! I cast the spells that makes the peoples fall down!